Skip to main content

How Fashion Helped Me Explore My Gender Identity

by Phoenix Atkinson

In lockdown, my hair grew out - as hair often does. It had grown from a tight (but slightly bland) short back and sides to a rather glorious and simultaneously rather awful semi-mullet. Imagine Billy Ray Cyrus with an attempt at Joan Jett. It had been dyed so much that you could almost feel the strands screaming for a decent shampoo, condition and cut, and, by the end, it was reaching my shoulders. One of my mates had said recently that I had “looked like a non-bald Bill Bailey”. The absolute goal!

It’s an uninteresting story, as most of mine are - unless you know the context. Hair grows when you can’t get a trim, big deal. But there was something in the way it made me feel that I want to talk about.

I had been out as trans-masculine for a few years at this point, and I was happier than I had ever been, but there was still something wrong. I felt like I had to conform to the masculinity I was taught. Bland clothes, bare face, short hair. I was still stuck on what everyone’s view of me was. 

I wanted to be the ‘perfect trans’, whoever the hell that is. I wanted to be the ‘ideal’ of masculinity, whatever the hell that is. I wanted to fit in, whatever the hell that meant. 

So I hid all my emotions and wore the same three hoodies, the same three t-shirts, and the same three pairs of jeans. My wardrobe was a never-ending barrage of stone grey and obsidian blacks, maybe a band tee in the middle of it somewhere if I was feeling outrageous. I stopped wearing makeup, stopped doing ‘unmanly’ things, and stopped looking in the mirror. And when I did, the guy looking back at me was more me than it had been, but yet still someone else.

Then the lockdowns hit. And it hit me like a freight train going through cardboard. My hair grew out, I hated it, then it kept growing, and I started to love it. It was red (as it is now), long, and was in severe need of a cut.

Then time passed and I found some old makeup. I had never had so much fun. My eyes were becoming canvases for blushes and sharp lines, my cheeks were drawn on with lip tint, and my lips were in a genuine smile for the first time.

Once the lockdowns lifted, I still didn’t cut my hair. Despite desperately needing it, I liked it too much. I also kept wearing makeup. 

When I first got called ‘they’, it was me. I finally changed my wardrobe. Skirts were in. Jeans were in. I was mixing everything I liked and I was so happy. I wasn’t a ‘boy wearing a skirt’. I wasn’t a ‘girl wearing jeans’. I was an ungendered enigma in the clothes I loved.

The best part was: I didn’t care what people thought. Still don’t, why bother? I was what I wanted to be. I still am. I don’t regret the number of bad haircuts, dodgy clothes, and the person I came to be. Again, why bother? I’m still trans, whether I’m in a bare face and skirts, or eyeliner and trousers. I’m still me. Just so much happier now that I’m wearing what I love. 

I realised that fashion is important, at least to me. I became obsessed with Vivienne Westwood, charity shops, and finding my own wardrobe. I found an ADER FW20 button-up shirt (8 pounds!) and a perfect pair of black Levi’s (4 quid, charity shops are heroes!). 

I figured out a fashion philosophy. It’s not Camus, but it works well for me. 

This is it: fashion isn’t gendered. 

Nothing is. My philosophy is that you should wear whatever makes you feel brilliantly, outrageously you. It’s not world-altering, Jonathan Livingston Seagull probably has a deeper view on individuality than this, but it works for me. I’ve taken it into everything I do. Find what you love, and go for it. Wear what makes you feel the most ‘you’. Do what makes you feel the most ‘you’. Why not?

That’s what fashion should be. It should make you, the wearer, feel how you want to feel. If you feel your best in three-piece suits, then wear them. If you feel your best in jeans and hoodies, then wear them. If you feel your best in a swimsuit made of safety pins and chainmail, guess what, wear it!

Now, I’m taking that philosophy into my life. I’m doing the things I love. Maybe my wardrobe change was an extended trial. After all, I like what I’m wearing now, so why not like what I’m doing?

The weird thing is: it works! I feel alright these days. I definitely care less about what other people think. I definitely feel better. I like myself more and more every single day. I’m not perfect, but at least I’m okay with it now.

And I’m still obsessed with Vivienne Westwood, by the way. Hopefully, I always will be. Or, at least, until I can afford a Westwood corset. Let’s be honest, in this economy, it’ll be forever before that happens.



Most Popular

Fashion For a Cause: Brands That Stand with Palestine and the history of fashion as a form of Activism

by Oana-Maria Moldovan For over two months, there has been an ongoing genocide war in Gaza. To simplify a long and horrific issue, the situation that started, on a larger scale, around one hundred years ago, and has only become amplified since October 7th 2023. Taking place around the Gaza Strip, the West Bank, and Israel–Lebanon border, the armed conflict is between Israel and Hamas-led Palestinian militant groups.  The problem is about “stolen” land. Said land is seen as an important holy part of both religions involved. But really, how holy can we consider a land to be, if people kill other people for it? It’s important to remember that this genocide is about three things: forced occupation, zionism, and religion. It’s also important to remember what ethnic erasure is. This terrible expresion, also known as cultural or ethnic assimilation, refers to the process by which the distinct cultural or ethnic identity of a particular group is gradually diminished or erased, often due to...

Now What? The Aftermath of the 'Manic Pixie Dream Girl'

by Susan Moore Here is a bit about me: I am an open, excitable, creative AFAB who is also moderately attractive. I have a unique sense of personal style and a personality that on the surface can only be described as “bubbly” and “quirky”. For this reason, dating is a nightmare. To be sure, I do not have a hard time finding dates or potential suitors. The problems arise when said dates spend some time with me and decide that I am a rare specimen, and the connection they feel with me is “unlike anything they have felt before”. Then, things go one of two ways.  Either a) they decide I am too high maintenance and no longer palatable, or  b) they choose to never look further than the surface and are content to date the idea of me rather than the real me. There is something rather interesting, perhaps funny, about my situation. It is in no way unique. I have met so many people who constantly dealt with the same problem. Even funnier still, is the fact that there is a trope that simu...

‘Make Tattooing Safe Again’: Sheffield Based Tattoo Artist Exposed for Indecent Behaviour

 by Emily Fletcher TW: SA, Animal Abuse, Transphobia Photo Credit: @ meiko_akiz uki Recently, an  Instagram account  has been created to provide a  ‘space to safely give a voice to those who want to speak out about the behaviour of one, Sheffield based tattoo artist’. A  total of 40+ posts have been made by the above social media account regarding  one of Sheffield's most popular tattoo artists .  Thankfully, all posts are prefaced with a Content Warning prior to sharing screenshots of the messages that have been sent anonymously to the page. The majority of Content Warnings refer to sexual behaviour, abuse, and sexual assault. It is clear that there is a reoccurring theme within each submission, as many clients appear to have had the same experiences with the tattoo artist. Women, mostly, are being made to feel uncomfortable while being tattooed. One of the most vulnerable positions anyone can be in, tattoo artists should make their clients feel ...