Skip to main content

Mental Health Awareness Month: A Personal Account of Mental Health Struggles in the North East and Trans Youth

I’m Phoenix Atkinson, I’m a musician, a writer, an acting student, a football fan, and - I’m not well.

And this isn’t just a me problem. 


During the pandemic, I know we’re bored of hearing about it but give me a second, people in the North under 35 were more likely than any other age group to have developed a psychiatric disorder over the course of the pandemic - with an increase of 2.5 percentage points, according to a report from the Northern Health Science Alliance (NHSA).



For some reason, I have this thing in my head that makes me genuinely believe that I am secretly undeserving of any kind of love. Fun! 


Logically, that’s wrong. 


I’ve made mistakes, like everyone on earth. I’ve learned from them and gone forward with my life, but for some reason my brain likes to just stick them on like reruns of Friends on Comedy Central. 


This has been happening for as long as I can remember, but about 2 years ago it got incredibly bad and led to me being unable to even log into my online classes for about 2 weeks. 


I think it all started with my body image. 


I’m transmasculine, which, for me, means that, at best, I have a complicated relationship with my body. 


And this isn’t just a me problem. 


LGBTQIA+ people are 1½ times more likely to develop depression and anxiety disorder compared to the rest of the population.


I’ve never liked how I look. I get acne, which is annoying (and uncomfortable more than anything) and I’m self conscious of my weight. 


I yell from the rooftops about body positivity, but I can’t seem to do it for myself. I am a bit of a hypocrite in that regard.


I get panic attacks, which are awful. 


Once, in class, I suddenly started getting one whilst dancing to We Will Rock You, the dulcet tones of my class trying to stay on time and in tune while being yelled at to have energy soundtracking my brain beginning to short-circuit. I got taken out, took a few minutes, and came back in. I did absolutely kill the dance, by the way! I don’t quite know why I get these, it can happen with or without triggers.


I actually think the worst ones happen without a noticeable trigger, because then you don’t know what might set you off. 


But, in positive news, I am finding ways of coping. I have a YouTube playlist filled with videos that I’ve watched a million times, which might not be as good as therapy, but I can sure try!


I am terrified of telling people how I feel. 


I am loud and dramatic as they come, but it takes something incredibly serious to get me to say how I actually feel. 


This may seem like the ramblings of someone who really should get help, but it’s actually letting me say what I’m thinking in more articulate terms than I could if I was talking to someone in person about this. 


Talking to people is something I am awful at. This? This is something I can do. At least, when I write this all down, it gives me time to find the words and explain myself.


Now, that’s all a bit miserable. I am getting better, I promise. I’m just not quite there yet. 


And this isn’t just a me problem. 


The North East has a higher percentage of people reporting low life satisfaction (from 3.6% in England to 4.2% in the North East and then, more specifically, 5.2% in Newcastle). This has been theorised to be a result of the chronic deprivation that has marked the North East’s history, coming from years of conservative politics that all seemed built to make the North completely unstable. Cheers, Thatcher!


Mental health issues are silent and it can be almost impossible for someone on the outside to see that someone is suffering. 


Speaking out is stigmatised as being ‘soft’. Certain illnesses are massively stigmatised and inadequately represented in media, leading to myths being codified in societal structures. This makes it so hard to open up and creates a uniquely frustrating cycle of issues for people wanting to get better.


Apart from my inherited (and completely justified) hatred of the Tories, my main message is that recovery is possible. You can get better. It’s hard, and takes ages, and relapses can happen, but you might as well try. 


You wanna know what I did while writing this? I finally referred myself to therapy and made an appointment for a mental health assessment. 


I’m terrified, but it’s all baby steps. As long as I keep waking up, I will keep getting better. It will take a long time, and I am terrified of it, but why not try? 


Edited by Emily Duff

Most Popular

‘Make Tattooing Safe Again’: Sheffield Based Tattoo Artist Exposed for Indecent Behaviour

 by Emily Fletcher TW: SA, Animal Abuse, Transphobia Photo Credit: @ meiko_akiz uki Recently, an  Instagram account  has been created to provide a  ‘space to safely give a voice to those who want to speak out about the behaviour of one, Sheffield based tattoo artist’. A  total of 40+ posts have been made by the above social media account regarding  one of Sheffield's most popular tattoo artists .  Thankfully, all posts are prefaced with a Content Warning prior to sharing screenshots of the messages that have been sent anonymously to the page. The majority of Content Warnings refer to sexual behaviour, abuse, and sexual assault. It is clear that there is a reoccurring theme within each submission, as many clients appear to have had the same experiences with the tattoo artist. Women, mostly, are being made to feel uncomfortable while being tattooed. One of the most vulnerable positions anyone can be in, tattoo artists should make their clients feel comfortable and safe during the pro
Read more

Eurydice’s Last Words

by Kate Bradley I do not want to return To sit in the stalls, Of an empty black box Strewn with petals Leave the ghost light on, Let it shine like a call home, But I will not come back To turn it off alone. I learn this as we walk Our ever so solemn path Our thudding funeral march, You think we’re going back. As I trace my old steps, I fear of the day When the symphony swells, And I land my gaze On you, yet you will be Enraptured by the sound, If you did twist To turn around, You would not see me. So I am not sorry, I speak out into the empty air And I am not sorry. “Turn Around.” You do, you look You think  I fall But I run on, Arms wide open To fall in love With it all “Perhaps she was the one who said, ‘Turn around.” On the X45 bus, back from the Tyneside Cinema, I wrote a poem entitled “Eurydice’s Final Words”, after having seen “Portrait of a Lady on Fire”.  That poem was terrible, so I wrote a new one, as my response to the beautifully poignant film.  In one scene, Héloïse, an 18
Read more

Single Review: ‘Tell Me’ - Jay Moussa-Mann

by Ilana Hawdon The feeling of pure betrayal and heartbreak is perfectly captured in Jay Moussa-Mann’s latest single, ‘Tell Me’. Jay Moussa-Mann is the folk dream we have been waiting for. A favourite on BBC Introducing, Radio 6 and BBC Radio Tees, Jay ’s sound is easy on the ears but delightfully addictive. With a background in writing and film, she began her solo musical venture when she released her debut album, ‘Little Deaths’ in late-2019, and since then, Moussa-Mann has defined herself as an artist with unbelievable range and promise.    ‘Tell Me’ is completely timeless; with notes of Carole King and Joni Mitchell, Moussa-Mann creates a folk-inspired track which is simultaneously heart wrenching and strangely empowering. Beginning as a simple guitar tune, ‘Tell Me’ builds with layers of luscious strings and twinkling piano, tied together with Jay ’s vocal line which is equal parts melancholic and divine. The song feels unwaveringly intimate; the lyrics ask, ‘what was I worth?’
Read more